Eddie Generous is gracing the blog this evening, honoring all those obnoxious relatives we all have and all know we’re supposed to love even though they make us want to run screaming from the house to find the nearest whiskey bar and purge our brainholes of their noxious influence. So, let me shut up and get the hell out of the way so Eddie can regale us with this heartwarming tale of family and some great suggestions for how to avoid them–and avoid killing them–this Easter Sunday.
Easter can be a hard time.
There’s all that family around: Uncle Joe’s a racist and doing voices, Aunt Deb’s drunk and needing hugs or slow dances, Cousin Larry keeps talking about the raw deal the media gives the Alt-Right because a secret society of Super Jews run the universe… to what end, he dares not say, and your weird niece hides in the shower trying to glimpse body parts when people visit the can.
You have to play nice, but really, you’d like to slip them all cyanide pills and free your short holiday of these nuts.
But since you don’t want to go to jail, the next best thing is to suggest a movie you can watch from anywhere, living vicariously through the folks on screen spilling that sweet, sweet blood.
Now, the below suggestions are all on YouTube, pretty much waiting to be plucked away by a studio for rights infringement, I assume, so if you can figure out how to buy them, do that. If not, watch’m while you got’m.
Ms. 45 (1981) is a tale of compounded assaults resulting in a fantastic femme fatale who pops every set of hungry eyes (loins) she meets. It’s outrageous and relentless. Absolute diamond in the rough, just like you at family gatherings!
Sticking with the violent ladies, Sister of Death (1976) is a whodunit that dips its toes into horror now and then. It’s silly and absurd at times, there’s a scene involving a Gatling gun shootout within an attic, take a second, think about that. It’s a wholly watchable movie and tons of fun.
Shifting some, keeping a women-heavy cast, but switching roles, Black Christmas (1974) is a slasher tale taking place almost akin to a ghost story. There’s something inside the house like a piece of furniture, popping up and evicting sorority gals one soul at a time. So good, and when that phone rings… booooooy! It will also remind you, at least Easter isn’t as long as Christmas, so although your time off might be ruined by traditional family obligations, at least it’s only a short time.
Keeping it horror, though not a high kill count, The Changeling (1980) is terror of the family, sure, different from how you’re currently terrorized, but one takes what one gets. It also has the only terrifying wheelchair scene in the history of television (yep, better than the one in Dream Warriors… and by more than a little). One of the all-time great haunted house films.
Like the abovementioned terror, the next terror includes a troubled family. In particular, a boy. The acting is about par with eighties low-brow horror and the kicker involved makes almost no sense, but it’s pure, and as you watch, you can imagine introducing each of your family members to The Pit (1981)
The only problem with watching movies online is that it draws a crowd, so if you can get away with your device, nothing repels idiot relatives like being that boring guy/gal reading a book. And what better way to celebrate the trauma of forced relationships than to read horror stories?
Bio: Eddie Generous is the creator, editor, designer, artist, feature writer, interviewer, and PR department of Unnerving and Unnerving Magazine. His collection of Dead is Dead, but Not Always will be published by Hellbound Books on April 4th, and he coauthored a collection of slasher shorts titled Splish, Slash, Takin’ a Bloodbath (written with Mark Allan Gunnells and Renee Miller) that came out in March. His stories and art have appeared on or in dozens of publications from around the world. He lives on the Pacific Coast of British Columbia with his wife and their cat overlords. Find him on his website www.jiffypopandhorror.com (https://www.jiffypopandhorror.com/), on Twitter @GenerousEd (https://twitter.com/GenerousEd), on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Eddie-Generous/e/B07BHZWHRL/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_7), and of course, on the Unnerving website www.unnervingmagazine.com (https://www.unnervingmagazine.com/).